thoughts on the nature of love

For some unknown reason, I've been in a sentimental mood all day today. The subject of love has been top of mind for several weeks, and I think maybe I'm finally starting to crack my code a little bit. Here are my thoughts and self-observations at this moment (I am a work in progress!):

It seems that the experience of loving is ultimately more gratifying to me than the experience of being loved.

When I am with someone who is easy for me to love, my heart opens wide, and the joy and appreciation that flow through that open door toward the other also leave a residue inside me that feels wonderful.

It's kinda like singing -  others may (or may not) enjoy hearing my song, but before it even reaches their ears it has resonated within me and changed my experience a little bit on its way out. 

If someone I love also finds me easy to love, then he may experience a simultaneous and parallel flow of joy within his open heart. In which case, there's a lot of love and a lot of joy floating around, and that can feel quite blissful for both of us.  

But I don't want to forget the true source of my bliss. It's not anyone else's love or affection. It's my own.

Or to put that another way, it's not my intake of love but rather my output of love that produces my deepest joy and satisfaction.      

This doesn't diminish the importance of having someone who is easy for me to love in my life. It does not deny the power of a beautiful chemistry, or lead to the assumption that I could necessarily feel the same way with any joe I bumped into on the street. Each loving connection is still a unique, precious and beautiful blessing that inspires awe and gratitude.

But it's not the source of love or joy. And when I remember that, I can hold my relationships much more lightly and respectfully.

I'm tremendously grateful to be blessed with the gift of loving easily. I know not everyone is wired this way. It's not something I can take credit for -- I have not worked on it or earned it in any way.  

But over the years since my divorce I have learned something that I did not know back then: no matter what losses I suffer, my heart can always find a reason to sing again.

And knowing this, it has become a little bit easier to let go of a relationship when it is time to let go.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, I cry and I grieve. Until the day comes when I don't.

At which point I usually notice that the sun is shining and the birds are singing, and I think, Hey, it's time to do some loving! Won't that be fun?