Fellow control freaks will probably appreciate the magnitude of what I'm about to confess. The rest of you might find it underwhelming and may want to skip this post: More often than not, I no longer care to know how, when, or where things will come together in my life.
I know ... shocking, right? You guys know that I've invested quite a bit of time and energy trying to predict and manage my future; consulted various oracles -- tarot cards, psychic readers, books, runes, palms, dreams, signs, clouds, you name it. I didn't think I could truly relax until I knew what was coming, so if I couldn't predict what would happen, I would simply try to muscle circumstances and events into the mold I'd created for them. I would just make it go the way I wanted.
But lately, I'm getting bored with all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, manifesting schmanifesting. It's fun for a while, but it's overrated. Why limit the possibilities to what my little mind is capable of imagining? I find it much more appealing to let Love lead me where it will.
I remember the first time I came face-to-face with the realization that there was more to life than I could imagine or understand. It was probably 15 years ago, (yes, I am a slow learner!) and I was planning my first solitary retreat - an overnight to the hot springs. I was nervous because I'd never stayed in a hotel alone. So when I woke up to a snowstorm the morning I was supposed to leave, I was a little bit relieved to have a good excuse to cancel the trip.
As I lay there in bed thinking, Oh well, I guess I won't go, a voice in my head said as clearly as if it was right next to me: You are going anyway. It was a command, not a suggestion. It sounded like my own inner voice, but louder, stronger, and clearer than usual. And I could not trace the thoughts that led up to that one like I normally can. It stood solid and alone.
I was too shocked to argue with it. I went. And that solitary retreat kicked off a period of profound personal and spiritual growth for me.
There have been many clues since then letting me know that there's more going on here than meets the eye. I've written before about my theory that life is like an iceberg, and only the tip of it is accessible to my conscious mind. Under the surface, invisible to my conscious perception, there are immense forces at work. Navigating my life using only my conscious mind now seems as crazy to me as not doing it that way used to seem.
With each passing day, I am developing more trust in what is under the surface of my conscious awareness. It feels benevolent. It has taken me to fun and interesting places I never intended to go. I'm becoming more and more inclined to release my hands from the steering wheel, sit back, and enjoy the ride.
How does this look from the outside? Sort of like a shrug and a smile.
My car breaks down? Well, this will be interesting.
My appointment doesn't show? I wonder who else I will meet here instead.
The deadline got moved up to tomorrow? Guess I'll see how it feels to get less sleep than usual tonight.
Get lost while traveling? Seems I'm exploring a new neighborhood today.
I suppose what it amounts to is simply accepting whatever happens as if it is a special gift, even if I didn't ask for or expect it. I don't do this all the time yet - I still have plenty of moments of resistance. But I can tell ya, it's a lot more fun to embrace the wild mystery than to try to tame it. It's a lot more fun to wonder what will happen next than to insist upon forcing what I want to happen next. I'm just sayin'.
Incubus says it better: Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.