well, I took the advice I gave to my friend, and spent four hours in the mountains alone on saturday. It took about three of them for my mind to settle down. Finally, a nap in the sun baked my mind into a lazy stupor, and when I woke up, the truth was waiting for me: It hurts to hold back love.
It was just that simple. In order to force myself to stay away from him, I had been closing my heart in a way that was painful. And it wasn't worth it. (this would not be true in all cases, to be sure. Sometimes relationships are dangerous, toxic, or seriously outgrown, and simply must be left behind. I have experienced breakups that were very heart opening for me. But this wasn't one of them.)
I remembered Abraham's wisdom that our purpose here is joy, and that by seeking relief, and doing what feels good in the present moment, we can give ourselves a break from trying to row upstream in the river of life. And when we stop fighting the current and relax, Love will happily carry us to our well being.
I knew exactly what would feel good in the moment. I ran some quick calculations: What was at risk if I contacted him? The answer was illuminating: only my pride. Which, as it turns out, is a renewable resource, so there really was nothing to lose.
So I called him. And he came.
In hindsight, even though this past five weeks sucked in a lot of ways, I am glad it happened. I gained much more than I lost, including the visceral awareness that I don't NEED him, but I do WANT him, and they are very different things. And that when it comes right down to it, it's my moment by moment decisions that turn my boat upstream or downstream. When I notice that I am exhausted from trying so hard, I must be rowing upstream! All I have to do is drop the oars and the current will turn me around again.
I don't know what the future will bring, and I honestly don't care. I am happy in this moment, once more not holding anything back. And that is more than enough. I am here, now, enjoying the scenery, floating on the current of joy and love. The future doesn't need my assistance. It can take care of itself.