conspiracy exposed

Oh my gosh, how could I have been so stupid?

I fell for all the Law of Attraction hype. I voraciously devoured the plethora of advice about How to Manifest. Yes, there are things and situations I want that I don't have! Sign me up for the program that teaches me how to get them!

Well, heads up, Abraham-Hicks, Louise Hay, The Secret, and other such snake-oil salesmen. I have seen the tiny wizard behind the big curtain, and the gig is up. I know this is all a bait and switch scheme. I've figured out what you are REALLY trying to do with all this manifestational crap. You can't fool me one minute longer.

You don't care whether or not I ever manifest the house, job, car or life of my dreams. You tricked me ... baited me by dangling the fulfillment of my desires in front of me ... told me I could have it all if I just changed my thinking.

But this was never about the future, was it? Huh? Admit it!! You had the bald-faced audacity to actually want me to be happy NOW. But you knew that I wouldn't think that was enough, didn't you? So you went along with me, pretending the future mattered, teaching me how to manifest, telling me to reach for a thought that feels better.

And all the while, you knew that by changing my thoughts in order to attract or create what I wanted in the future, I would become happy in this moment, even before I manifested anything!

It's the crime of the century as far as I'm concerned. The ultimate sleight of hand. While I was busy making a vision board, creatively visualizing, and writing in my Done Book, earnestly imagining how my future would feel, some of that joy seeped into my experience of the present moment. And once that leak started, it wouldn't stop.

See what you have done? Now I am so happy in this moment that I don't even worry about the future any more.

It's brilliant!!!

You were right, by the way. I didn't believe that being fully present and happy in the moment would be enough. It's just too simple, too darn easy.

I really thought there had to be more to it than this. I needed to be tricked out of my delusion that hard work, noble effort, and due diligence were the only way to earn the rewards of satisfaction and joy. And you found the perfect way to do it.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.

p.s. several hours later: oooh, check out this abe quote I just stumbled across! nice synchronicity, eh? they say it much better than I did ...

As you set a goal to achieve a new house, or a new body size and a shape, or a new occupation - and you reach that goal - you misunderstand, thinking that the new house or new body or new job was the subject of creation, when all along the subject of creation is your state of being.

In this physical experience you use the format of houses and bodies and jobs to facilitate your state of being - but none of those physical things are the subject of your creation. YOU ARE THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION. YOUR STATE OF BEING, OR THE WAY YOU FEEL, IS THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION.

If you will seek ways to observe your state of being, you will have a clearer understanding of how you are doing in the creation of you. If you will deliberately identify the way you want to feel or be, you will be more effective in achieving that which you came into this body to achieve.

- Abraham-Hicks

what happened ...

well, I took the advice I gave to my friend, and spent four hours in the mountains alone on saturday. It took about three of them for my mind to settle down. Finally, a nap in the sun baked my mind into a lazy stupor, and when I woke up, the truth was waiting for me: It hurts to hold back love.

It was just that simple. In order to force myself to stay away from him, I had been closing my heart in a way that was painful. And it wasn't worth it. (this would not be true in all cases, to be sure. Sometimes relationships are dangerous, toxic, or seriously outgrown, and simply must be left behind. I have experienced breakups that were very heart opening for me. But this wasn't one of them.)

I remembered Abraham's wisdom that our purpose here is joy, and that by seeking relief, and doing what feels good in the present moment, we can give ourselves a break from trying to row upstream in the river of life. And when we stop fighting the current and relax, Love will happily carry us to our well being.

I knew exactly what would feel good in the moment. I ran some quick calculations: What was at risk if I contacted him? The answer was illuminating: only my pride. Which, as it turns out, is a renewable resource, so there really was nothing to lose.

So I called him. And he came.

In hindsight, even though this past five weeks sucked in a lot of ways, I am glad it happened. I gained much more than I lost, including the visceral awareness that I don't NEED him, but I do WANT him, and they are very different things. And that when it comes right down to it, it's my moment by moment decisions that turn my boat upstream or downstream. When I notice that I am exhausted from trying so hard, I must be rowing upstream! All I have to do is drop the oars and the current will turn me around again.

I don't know what the future will bring, and I honestly don't care. I am happy in this moment, once more not holding anything back. And that is more than enough. I am here, now, enjoying the scenery, floating on the current of joy and love. The future doesn't need my assistance. It can take care of itself.

how would I rather feel?

that's my new question. or maybe it's not new, but I just forgot about it for a while?

anyway, I'm taking my self-inquiry deeper than "What do I really want?" because it occurred to me that whatever I want is actually just a means to an end -- I want it because I think having some situation, condition, or circumstance will result in me feeling a certain way. So I'm playing around with cutting out the middleman.

Here's what I found that amazes me about this:

As soon as I've identified how I'd rather feel, I can go there right away, via imagination!

My poor little imagination is sort of withered from disuse. I was a very good student in a traditional school system, which means I was an excellent absorber of other people's knowledge and could regurgitate it on demand. So I'm still recovering! But that's okay. I'm having lots of fun dusting my imagination off and finding out what it can do.

(I just re-read this, and a song in Willy Wonka's voice started playing in my head. I embedded the video below for those like me with bizarre inclinations for musical nostalgia. What a trippy movie this was!)