confessions of a compulsive interrupter

I'm still deeply immersed in the Alison Armstrong materials, and devoured her book Keys to the Kingdom over the weekend.  More than once I found myself moved to tears by the magnitude of the impact this information could make in the lives of so many men and women. 

It's hard to overestimate the influence that happy and fulfilled people could have on every aspect of our world -- we can be so much more productive and successful in our parenting, careers, and creativity when we have been refueled in the secure home base of a loving relationship.

Not everyone is wired to draw energy and inspiration from relationship, of course, but far too many of the ones who are find themselves walking around on empty most of the time. 

If you are one of those people, I highly recommend Alison's work.  In my opinion, Keys to the Kingdom seems to be written for a female audience.  I'd suggest that women discuss the book thoroughly with their girlfriends before sharing small doses of what they have learned with their man (if he's interested).  And make sure to ask him what he thinks about it. 

Although I found all of her keys to the kingdom to be powerful, the one that struck the biggest nerve for me on my first read-through was, "When he's talking, do your best not to interrupt." 

From page 40:

...men think very differently than women.  This affects the way they communicate.  If you interrupt a man while he's speaking, it's like running a train off its track.  He doesn't get back on track and keep talking.  He will usually, with just a few interruptions, stop talking altogether.   This is one of the reasons why women think men are shallow.  We interrupt them before they can get to the best part of what they could have said.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.  I am SO guilty of this.  Not the shallow part ... I know better than that!  The interrupting part.  I just get so enthusiastic sometimes ...

Dear reader, if you are a man and we've talked, I've probably interrupted you. I hope you'll accept my humble apologies.  And while I'm at it, I better ask for your forgiveness in advance as well, because I cannot believe how difficult it is for me to break this habit!  Please know that I am earnestly working on it. 

I've certainly interrupted every one of my female friends, as well, but it seems that women are more likely to continue expressing themselves afterwards.  So while I'm at it, let me apologize to my girlfriends, too.  I'm saddened by how much intimacy, entertainment, and information I've missed out on due to this unconscious conversational compulsion of mine.

From page 39:

Don't interject more questions or your thoughts when he's speaking.  Notice every time you want to say something and hold your tongue -- just keep listening.  Even when he pauses or seems finished.  Count to ten, if you have to, before saying anything.

I've been practicing this very concrete suggestion, and although I have to almost literally bite my cheeks to make myself keep quiet for this long, I am humbled by what I've heard from the men in my life in just the past few days. 

I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but it's really quite sobering to observe what a crappy listener I can be at times.  I feel so lucky to have been blessed with male companions who are exceptionally persistent communicators, as I now realize that I've not made it particularly easy for them to get through to me. 

So thank you, guys!  I appreciate your patience and determination, and I hope it won't take quite as much effort from now on.    

even in the loudest moments

Recently I've been attending many more meetings than ever before, and I've discovered that I'm really not much of a meeting person. So I've come up with a way to entertain myself when I start zoning out and having trouble staying engaged or paying attention:  I look at whoever is speaking and make a mental list of things I am grateful for about them.

Granted, this does not help me stay focused on the discussion.  But it does help avoid boredom!  And I saw people's physical appearance change right before my eyes.  When I look through the lens of appreciation, features soften, eyes shine, and skin glows.  Sometimes I also pretend their voices are musical instruments - tuning out meaning and focusing instead on melody and rhythm.

When I play this game, my heart opens to each person who takes the floor.  Who knows ... I might even start looking forward to meetings if I think of as them as yet another opportunity to love.

So it seems that I don't have to wait for the quietest moments -- even in the middle of a meeting there's a way to listen that can change everything.  Which reminds me of a song I like a lot. 

Even In The Quietest Moments - Roger Hodgson (the lead singer/songwriter from Supertramp)




did I mention that I'm on a big music kick lately?  It's probably obvious, huh.  Some songs are just SO freakin' satisfying.  After Supertramp I went on a little Elton John binge tonight.  These are a few of my favorites:



Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding





Someone Saved My Life Tonight






Tiny Dancer

viktor frankl clip

found this clip on a friend's facebook wall:



Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, significantly influenced my thinking when I first read it many years ago.  I love the idea that we can call forth the best in our fellow man by overestimating each other. 

I see this in action almost every day.  More often than not, when we give someone the benefit of the doubt, we help to awaken within him the desire to be worthy of it.

post-thought activity

I hiked out to my thinking rock yesterday, and had a novel experience once I got all settled in:  I had nothing to think about!  No problems to solve, nothing to sort out or ponder.  Not even an article waiting to be mapped out.  Nothing.  My mind was simply resting in contentment.

So I just sat there, feeling the cool rock below me and the hot sun on my skin.  Soon I noticed the sound of the grasshoppers buzzing around, and the wind rustling through the leaves.  When I mildly wondered if I should be doing something more productive with my time, and the answer came gently:  No ... it is enough to just love.  Breathe love in, breathe love out.  Percolate it. Circulate it. Radiate it. Soak in the beauty of your surroundings and let love fill your heart until it overflows onto everything and everyone around you.

And it really is that simple, isn't it. 

When I woke this morning, this song was playing in my head:   And I breathe so you breathe.  Let me stand so you'll stand. With all that I am. 

Rob Thomas All That I Am

if I could play piano ...

On my walk early this morning, I heard the sweetest live piano music wafting through someone's window.  How lovely to be awakened by a tender melody played by familiar and loving hands!  What a wonderful way to start the day ...

If I could play the piano, I'd learn these songs:

Cristofori's Dream by David Lanz





Song from a Secret Garden by Secret Garden




ooh, and this one too.  Color My World by Chicago.  I've loved it since I was just a little kid. 



and one more, inspired by Chris's comment below:
Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

relationship resource

Several friends recently steered me toward Alison Armstrong, and I've spent the past few days immersed in a series of her video workshops.  This woman knows men!  She knows women, too, of course.  Even more impressive... she knows how to teach us about each other. 

Her style is warm and funny, and I found her insights to be powerful and practical.  I personally prefer watching her videos rather than reading her articles, because I find her to be a very engaging speaker.  There are free excerpts to read, listen to, and watch on her website:  http://www.understandmen.com/articles/index.html

playing in my head today...

Sarah McLachlan  Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

the end of cause and effect

this post might end up being sorta rambly and obscure, so please feel free to pull out at any time and come back for the next one!

This morning on my walk I saw someone I knew off in the distance, and immediately turned in another direction to avoid him.  That action opposed my perception of myself as a friendly and open person, and some inner conflict developed.  Upon introspection, I determined that I avoided him because I had told myself a story that interacting with him might be uncomfortable, and I didn't want to feel discomfort if I didn't have to.

But wait, was that true?  Could I really be sure that I had avoided him because I didn't like discomfort? 

What if he wanted to be alone, and was broadcasting a request for solitude that some part of me picked up on and honored?  What if my daughter needed me at home right away?  What if stopping to talk to him would have put us both in exactly the spot where a car was about to jump the curb?  What if Life/Love?God/Fate wanted me to avoid him for reasons I will never know or understand, and therefore made sure that I turned away?

There's just no way I could ever gather enough information to confidently identify a cause and effect relationship.  But I found it rather interesting that I had projected what I believed to be a personal failing  onto this blank slate of an event.  I caught a glimpse of my own mind in the mirror, and self-judgment was written all over its face.

And in that moment I was overcome with compassion for the human condition.  Because really, at some level, sh-t just happens.  But we are so quick to assume that we had something to do with it -- that we are wrong, or right, or justified, or inexcusable.  What if everything that happens out there is nothing more than one huge mirror, so that in our reaction to it, we can see what we believe and make adjustments if we so desire? 

All that really happened this morning was that I turned and went a different direction.  Everything else is a story.  Any meaning I attribute to this event is about my beliefs, not about what happened.  The intentions that I think are fueling my actions are not the whole truth. As shocking as this is to my inner narcissist, this entire episode could have had nothing to do with me or my character flaws.

And suddenly it occurred to me that maybe none of us is actually responsible for what we do. It's not exactly like being pawns in a chess game, because that implies an intelligent player moving us around, and I can't quite get behind that.

I see it more like a flower blooming -- each petal unfolding, blissfully unaware of its contribution to the beauty of the blossom, simply obeying an inner imperative to expand and enjoying the sensation of motion, the warmth of the sun, the caress of the wind, and the percussion of the rain.

I simply turned.  It's what happened.  I don't know why, and I don't need to know why.  If I feel like it, I could take a look in the mirror of my reaction to this event, notice where I am judging myself, and pour love and forgiveness into those places.  

Or I could just let it go, and give my full attention to what is happening now. Breathe in, breathe out.  Feel my feet on the ground.  Look around. 

Life might actually be a lot simpler than I thought.  Sometimes I will run into people I know, sometimes I will turn to avoid them.  Sometimes I will tell myself stories about who I am and what my choices mean.  Sometimes I won't.

See?  Simple.

   

surprise me

Fellow control freaks will probably appreciate the magnitude of what I'm about to confess.  The rest of you might find it underwhelming and may want to skip this post:  More often than not, I no longer care to know how, when, or where things will come together in my life.   

I know ... shocking, right?  You guys know that I've invested quite a bit of time and energy trying to predict and manage my future; consulted various oracles -- tarot cards, psychic readers, books, runes, palms, dreams, signs, clouds, you name it.  I didn't think I could truly relax until I knew what was coming, so if I couldn't predict what would happen, I would simply try to muscle circumstances and events into the mold I'd created for them.  I would just make it go the way I wanted.

But lately, I'm getting bored with all that.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, manifesting schmanifesting.  It's fun for a while, but it's overrated.  Why limit the possibilities to what my little mind is capable of imagining?  I find it much more appealing to let Love lead me where it will. 

I remember the first time I came face-to-face with the realization that there was more to life than I could imagine or understand.  It was probably 15 years ago, (yes, I am a slow learner!) and I was planning my first solitary retreat - an overnight to the hot springs.  I was nervous because I'd never stayed in a hotel alone. So when I woke up to a snowstorm the morning I was supposed to leave, I was a little bit relieved to have a good excuse to cancel the trip. 

As I lay there in bed thinking, Oh well, I guess I won't go, a voice in my head said as clearly as if it was right next to me: You are going anyway.  It was a command, not a suggestion. It sounded like my own inner voice, but louder, stronger, and clearer than usual.  And I could not trace the thoughts that led up to that one like I normally can.  It stood solid and alone. 

I was too shocked to argue with it.  I went.  And that solitary retreat kicked off a period of profound personal and spiritual growth for me.

There have been many clues since then letting me know that there's more going on here than meets the eye.  I've written before about my theory that life is like an iceberg, and only the tip of it is accessible to my conscious mind.  Under the surface, invisible to my conscious perception, there are immense forces at work.  Navigating my life using only my conscious mind now seems as crazy to me as not doing it that way used to seem.

With each passing day, I am developing more trust in what is under the surface of my conscious awareness.  It feels benevolent.  It has taken me to fun and interesting places I never intended to go.  I'm becoming more and more inclined to release my hands from the steering wheel, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

How does this look from the outside?  Sort of like a shrug and a smile.

My car breaks down? Well, this will be interesting. 

My appointment doesn't show?  I wonder who else I will meet here instead. 

The deadline got moved up to tomorrow?  Guess I'll see how it feels to get less sleep than usual tonight. 

Get lost while traveling?  Seems I'm exploring a new neighborhood today. 

I suppose what it amounts to is simply accepting whatever happens as if it is a special gift, even if I didn't ask for or expect it.  I don't do this all the time yet - I still have plenty of moments of resistance.  But I can tell ya, it's a lot more fun to embrace the wild mystery than to try to tame it.  It's a lot more fun to wonder what will happen next than to insist upon forcing what I want to happen next.  I'm just sayin'.

 Incubus says it better:  Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.



  

blog of substance award

my friend jeff from A Blog of Joy and Disquiet passed this award on to me.  The "rules of acceptance" are to thank the giver of the award, choose five words that sum up your blogging philosophy, and to then pass it on to at least five other blogs that mean something to you.

Thanks, Jeff! 

My five words:  Curious, Light, Warm, Transparent, Accepting

Passing on to:

Kate at I Can't Whistle

Jody at Kill Your Lunch Hour

Karen at Random Acts of Creativity

Super-Protective Factor

and even tho Jeff already named her:  Deb at Blissmonger