For some unknown reason, I've been in a sentimental mood all day today. The subject of love has been top of mind for several weeks, and I think maybe I'm finally starting to crack my code a little bit. Here are my thoughts and self-observations at this moment (I am a work in progress!):
It seems that the experience of loving is ultimately more gratifying to me than the experience of being loved.
When I am with someone who is easy for me to love, my heart opens wide, and the joy and appreciation that flow through that open door toward the other also leave a residue inside me that feels wonderful.
It's kinda like singing - others may (or may not) enjoy hearing my song, but before it even reaches their ears it has resonated within me and changed my experience a little bit on its way out.
If someone I love also finds me easy to love, then he may experience a simultaneous and parallel flow of joy within his open heart. In which case, there's a lot of love and a lot of joy floating around, and that can feel quite blissful for both of us.
But I don't want to forget the true source of my bliss. It's not anyone else's love or affection. It's my own.
Or to put that another way, it's not my intake of love but rather my output of love that produces my deepest joy and satisfaction.
This doesn't diminish the importance of having someone who is easy for me to love in my life. It does not deny the power of a beautiful chemistry, or lead to the assumption that I could necessarily feel the same way with any joe I bumped into on the street. Each loving connection is still a unique, precious and beautiful blessing that inspires awe and gratitude.
But it's not the source of love or joy. And when I remember that, I can hold my relationships much more lightly and respectfully.
I'm tremendously grateful to be blessed with the gift of loving easily. I know not everyone is wired this way. It's not something I can take credit for -- I have not worked on it or earned it in any way.
But over the years since my divorce I have learned something that I did not know back then: no matter what losses I suffer, my heart can always find a reason to sing again.
And knowing this, it has become a little bit easier to let go of a relationship when it is time to let go.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, I cry and I grieve. Until the day comes when I don't.
At which point I usually notice that the sun is shining and the birds are singing, and I think, Hey, it's time to do some loving! Won't that be fun?
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
life lessons from people.com
I know, the title of this post sounds kinda crazy. And yes, I am revealing my little compulsion to visit people.com every day. I find the stories riveting.
It's totally irrelevant to me that the folks involved are celebrities -- I am equally as enthralled by the daily ins and outs of the lives of random strangers, which is why I spend so much time reading blogs. I spose this news is not shocking to any of my readers given that one of the labels for my blog posts here is titled humans fascinate me.
Anyhoo, this post of reminders to myself has been brewing for months, and today's announcement that Seal and Heidi Klum are splitting up drove me to finally write it up.
Lesson #1: Relationships change.
Feelings come, feelings go. People come, people go. Even the most beautiful, loving and sincere connections and bonds are more often than not temporary ones.
This could be depressing. Or it could trigger an intention to deeply savor your time together, and not to take any relationship for granted.
How would you treat your mate differently if you remained fully aware on a daily basis that he or she could leave the relationship at any time?
Marriage does not guarantee permanence these days, so be nice! Treat each other with compassion and respect.
Ask yourself what it's like to be in a relationship with you, and make adjustments accordingly so that it's a pleasure (at least most of the time - we all have occasional bad moods!)
And even then, Lesson #2 still applies: In the end, the only permanent relationship you are guaranteed in life is with yourself.
So make it a good one! Be kind to yourself. Talk nicely to yourself. Cultivate self-compassion and self-forgiveness. That way you will always have a steady stream of these lovely things, and will not be dependent on anyone else to make you feel good.
Lesson #3: You will love again!
Your broken heart will heal and you will find another romantic partner if you wish to. Remember johnny and winona, jen and brad, angie and billy bob, jlo and ben? They all moved on from hard, sad breakups and found new loves. Some of them have even moved on from their new loves and found newer loves.
Loving is not unusual or special, it's what we humans do. It's the rule rather than the exception. We may take periodic breaks to heal and recharge, and the object of our affection may change. Some will shower their pets with love rather than a partner. But love we must!
Lesson #4: Change happens. So what?
External situations will change. Awareness -- the ability to perceive and experience -- will remain steadfast in the background.
Marriage, career, beauty, fitness ... all of these will arise and dissipate. They are flickering images on the screen of awareness - intended for fun and amusement, not as a permanent identity. The settings and characters will change, but who you are inside will remain the same.
Single or married, you are still you. Employed or job-hunting, still you. Wrinkly or smooth, size one or ten ... yep, still you.
So have fun with the pursuit of love, health, and success, but don't be fooled and think that any of it changes who you really are.
And don't worry too much about decisions like what to do, who to love, or where to live. Whatever you choose will be only be temporary anyway.
Put the most energy into cultivating awareness and compassion, since those will flavor everything else that you experience in life.
In the end, it's just you and you. And I am thinking that a life well lived will generate peace and contentment at that thought.
It's totally irrelevant to me that the folks involved are celebrities -- I am equally as enthralled by the daily ins and outs of the lives of random strangers, which is why I spend so much time reading blogs. I spose this news is not shocking to any of my readers given that one of the labels for my blog posts here is titled humans fascinate me.
Anyhoo, this post of reminders to myself has been brewing for months, and today's announcement that Seal and Heidi Klum are splitting up drove me to finally write it up.
Lesson #1: Relationships change.
Feelings come, feelings go. People come, people go. Even the most beautiful, loving and sincere connections and bonds are more often than not temporary ones.
This could be depressing. Or it could trigger an intention to deeply savor your time together, and not to take any relationship for granted.
How would you treat your mate differently if you remained fully aware on a daily basis that he or she could leave the relationship at any time?
Marriage does not guarantee permanence these days, so be nice! Treat each other with compassion and respect.
Ask yourself what it's like to be in a relationship with you, and make adjustments accordingly so that it's a pleasure (at least most of the time - we all have occasional bad moods!)
And even then, Lesson #2 still applies: In the end, the only permanent relationship you are guaranteed in life is with yourself.
So make it a good one! Be kind to yourself. Talk nicely to yourself. Cultivate self-compassion and self-forgiveness. That way you will always have a steady stream of these lovely things, and will not be dependent on anyone else to make you feel good.
Lesson #3: You will love again!
Your broken heart will heal and you will find another romantic partner if you wish to. Remember johnny and winona, jen and brad, angie and billy bob, jlo and ben? They all moved on from hard, sad breakups and found new loves. Some of them have even moved on from their new loves and found newer loves.
Loving is not unusual or special, it's what we humans do. It's the rule rather than the exception. We may take periodic breaks to heal and recharge, and the object of our affection may change. Some will shower their pets with love rather than a partner. But love we must!
Lesson #4: Change happens. So what?
External situations will change. Awareness -- the ability to perceive and experience -- will remain steadfast in the background.
Marriage, career, beauty, fitness ... all of these will arise and dissipate. They are flickering images on the screen of awareness - intended for fun and amusement, not as a permanent identity. The settings and characters will change, but who you are inside will remain the same.
Single or married, you are still you. Employed or job-hunting, still you. Wrinkly or smooth, size one or ten ... yep, still you.
So have fun with the pursuit of love, health, and success, but don't be fooled and think that any of it changes who you really are.
And don't worry too much about decisions like what to do, who to love, or where to live. Whatever you choose will be only be temporary anyway.
Put the most energy into cultivating awareness and compassion, since those will flavor everything else that you experience in life.
In the end, it's just you and you. And I am thinking that a life well lived will generate peace and contentment at that thought.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
heartwarming
this is so beautiful. for a class project, students at stanford designed a portable, low-cost incubator for home use that does not require electricity and could save the lives of thousands of low-birth-weight newborns in third world countries. they are in the process of making it available to babies in India.
http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=4814
or here's a video if you prefer:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/change-tiniest-survivors-12428134?&clipId=12428134&playlistId=12428134
http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=4814
or here's a video if you prefer:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/change-tiniest-survivors-12428134?&clipId=12428134&playlistId=12428134
Sunday, November 27, 2011
communication in relationships
I've been doing quite a bit of communication coaching with dyads lately -- romantic partners as well as parents and offspring -- and finding it to be an incredibly rewarding and thought-provoking experience. Thought I'd post a few observations about interpersonal dynamics that seem to pop up often:
1) Underneath the impulse to attack there is always fear. Most often, in relationships it's the fear that someone we care about and who knows us very well is correct in their assessment that we are wrong, bad, selfish, mean, critical, impulsive, weak, un-evolved or whatever.
Rather than simply admit that we can indeed be any of those things at times, we often choose to defend ourselves and deflect attention with a counter attack: "You think I am selfish!? What about you! You never even blah blah blah!"
Where there is self-acceptance, there is no need for a defensive attack. If someone says, "You are judging me," and we have made peace with our humanity and learned to love and accept ourselves in all our messy glory, we can respond with, "Why, yes, look at that ... I guess I am! How is that for you?"
2) Trying to hide our 'flaws' inhibits intimacy, takes a lot of energy, and is rarely even successful. It's much easier to just admit we aren't perfect and go from there. We all judge. We all forget. We all overlook details now and then. We all reach the end of our ropes at times and either say things we regret, clam up and refuse to engage, or walk away for a while. Let's get used to that and stop expecting ourselves and each other to do otherwise.
3) People who are critical of others almost invariably hold themselves to impossibly high standards. Some actually manage to meet their own expectations some or most of the time, through intense effort and great expenditure of time and energy. But when they fall short, they are very very hard on themselves.
Although it may not be obvious, it is more painful to be the critical person than to be the object of their criticism, because the inner voice that says it's just not good enough hounds them relentlessly. At least their 'victims' can tune them out or walk away!
4) People generally respond to vulnerability with compassion. When spoken kindly and sincerely, "I am afraid that if I tell you what I really think about this you will be disappointed, and I don't want to disappoint you," will usually call forth kindness from the other person.
5) The reverse also applies: people generally react to expectations and demands with resistance or defensiveness. "You owe me this" does not typically invite generosity, but "I'm embarrassed to ask for your help" just might.
6) The way that we respond to honest disclosures, especially when they are not pretty, can impact the likelihood that we will be trusted with the truth again.
7) Attention and respect are very powerful ways to promote connection and good will.
8) It's far more productive to wait until we have cooled down to finish a conversation. There are very few true emergencies that must be resolved immediately. Taking a break until the anger, heat, and impulse to be right at all costs have subsided is almost always a great idea.
There's so much more, but I need to get back to writing my reports right now.
What have you noticed or learned about communication in relationships?
1) Underneath the impulse to attack there is always fear. Most often, in relationships it's the fear that someone we care about and who knows us very well is correct in their assessment that we are wrong, bad, selfish, mean, critical, impulsive, weak, un-evolved or whatever.
Rather than simply admit that we can indeed be any of those things at times, we often choose to defend ourselves and deflect attention with a counter attack: "You think I am selfish!? What about you! You never even blah blah blah!"
Where there is self-acceptance, there is no need for a defensive attack. If someone says, "You are judging me," and we have made peace with our humanity and learned to love and accept ourselves in all our messy glory, we can respond with, "Why, yes, look at that ... I guess I am! How is that for you?"
2) Trying to hide our 'flaws' inhibits intimacy, takes a lot of energy, and is rarely even successful. It's much easier to just admit we aren't perfect and go from there. We all judge. We all forget. We all overlook details now and then. We all reach the end of our ropes at times and either say things we regret, clam up and refuse to engage, or walk away for a while. Let's get used to that and stop expecting ourselves and each other to do otherwise.
3) People who are critical of others almost invariably hold themselves to impossibly high standards. Some actually manage to meet their own expectations some or most of the time, through intense effort and great expenditure of time and energy. But when they fall short, they are very very hard on themselves.
Although it may not be obvious, it is more painful to be the critical person than to be the object of their criticism, because the inner voice that says it's just not good enough hounds them relentlessly. At least their 'victims' can tune them out or walk away!
4) People generally respond to vulnerability with compassion. When spoken kindly and sincerely, "I am afraid that if I tell you what I really think about this you will be disappointed, and I don't want to disappoint you," will usually call forth kindness from the other person.
5) The reverse also applies: people generally react to expectations and demands with resistance or defensiveness. "You owe me this" does not typically invite generosity, but "I'm embarrassed to ask for your help" just might.
6) The way that we respond to honest disclosures, especially when they are not pretty, can impact the likelihood that we will be trusted with the truth again.
7) Attention and respect are very powerful ways to promote connection and good will.
8) It's far more productive to wait until we have cooled down to finish a conversation. There are very few true emergencies that must be resolved immediately. Taking a break until the anger, heat, and impulse to be right at all costs have subsided is almost always a great idea.
There's so much more, but I need to get back to writing my reports right now.
What have you noticed or learned about communication in relationships?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
the joy of giving
Have you heard about the anonymous couple that made a New Year's resolution to donate $52 each week for a year (52 weeks)? They started a blog to chronicle their experience and encourage others to join them: http://www.52times52.com/.
Each Friday they choose a different recipient. If you read only one of their posts, I recommend this one. And have kleenex handy. http://www.52times52.com/our-own-awakening/
This concept completely delights me. Even if you can only afford to give $5 each week, can you imagine how fun it would be to sort through the options and decide how to donate it?
I imagine it would change my default orientation to day to day life -- I'd start paying attention to my daily surroundings in a different way, looking for potential recipients.
I get really excited thinking about all the fun things I could do with just five dollars a week:
feed parking meters
buy some 99 cent cheeseburgers and give them to the beggars on the street corners
leave an extra big tip at IHOP
drop my change in those little jars and cans at the checkout stands
leave $5 with the cashier at the thrift store and tell her to put it toward the purchase of the big family behind me in line
and if I don't get out much that week, paypal and the internet make it super easy to find options:
donate to one of our wonderful local charities
give to the private families in need of help with medical bills that we read about in the newspaper or on facebook
visit sites like www.kiva.org, or www.heifer.org, or www.seva.org or www.habitat.org or one of the thousands of others who are doing good work in the world
I already do most of those things when they present themselves, but what I don't do that I think would be fun is to set aside the money each week and make sure to look for ways to give it away.
I also realized that I do most of this giving in private, so my daughter does not know about it. But there's something so sweet and empowering about making it transparent and weekly, and inviting her to help me choose the recipient.
If you decide to try it, I'd love to hear about your favorite places to give!
and if you love this idea, you might enjoy this site as well:
http://www.dailygood.org/
Each Friday they choose a different recipient. If you read only one of their posts, I recommend this one. And have kleenex handy. http://www.52times52.com/our-own-awakening/
This concept completely delights me. Even if you can only afford to give $5 each week, can you imagine how fun it would be to sort through the options and decide how to donate it?
I imagine it would change my default orientation to day to day life -- I'd start paying attention to my daily surroundings in a different way, looking for potential recipients.
I get really excited thinking about all the fun things I could do with just five dollars a week:
feed parking meters
buy some 99 cent cheeseburgers and give them to the beggars on the street corners
leave an extra big tip at IHOP
drop my change in those little jars and cans at the checkout stands
leave $5 with the cashier at the thrift store and tell her to put it toward the purchase of the big family behind me in line
and if I don't get out much that week, paypal and the internet make it super easy to find options:
donate to one of our wonderful local charities
give to the private families in need of help with medical bills that we read about in the newspaper or on facebook
visit sites like www.kiva.org, or www.heifer.org, or www.seva.org or www.habitat.org or one of the thousands of others who are doing good work in the world
I already do most of those things when they present themselves, but what I don't do that I think would be fun is to set aside the money each week and make sure to look for ways to give it away.
I also realized that I do most of this giving in private, so my daughter does not know about it. But there's something so sweet and empowering about making it transparent and weekly, and inviting her to help me choose the recipient.
If you decide to try it, I'd love to hear about your favorite places to give!
and if you love this idea, you might enjoy this site as well:
http://www.dailygood.org/
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
does familiarity breed contempt?
I clicked over to this article from the sidebar of google news, and found myself feeling queasy while reading it. The author interviewed 200 women in long-term marriages (anywhere from 15-70 years together), and what she heard from them left me stunned and relieved and saddened all at the same time.
I'm curious to hear your thoughts about it, particularly if you are currently or were formerly in a long term partnership. I have been blissfully single for quite some time (and plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future), so this stuff is a distant memory for me, but it does ring true in some ways.
And it also breaks my heart to learn that so many good, kind men and women are settling for the kind of life together that she portrays here. Surely there is much more to this story ... yes?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/iris-krasnow/the-fine-line-between-mar_b_959372.html
I'm curious to hear your thoughts about it, particularly if you are currently or were formerly in a long term partnership. I have been blissfully single for quite some time (and plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future), so this stuff is a distant memory for me, but it does ring true in some ways.
And it also breaks my heart to learn that so many good, kind men and women are settling for the kind of life together that she portrays here. Surely there is much more to this story ... yes?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/iris-krasnow/the-fine-line-between-mar_b_959372.html
Monday, September 26, 2011
so true!
spotted on facebook this morning (thanks deb!):
Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.
I couldn't figure out who is the author of this, so if you know, please tell me so I can give credit where it is due.
I love this.
Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.
I couldn't figure out who is the author of this, so if you know, please tell me so I can give credit where it is due.
I love this.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
the ultimate sacrifice
I've been following the Troy Davis story all evening with a somber heart. The moment I looked into his eyes in that photo, I had a sense that he would not come out of this alive. And indeed, he was executed less than an hour ago.
I've been sitting in silent meditation since then, radiating love to all who were involved on both sides of this incident. I am certain that the ripples set in motion today will travel far and wide.
It is my hope that some day we will look back on this man as the one whose story brought our country to critical mass in the awareness that the death penalty is inhumane and unacceptable in a society that claims to be civilized.
We can do better than this for each other. And we must.
Thank you, Troy, for giving your life for this cause.
May you rest in peace.
I've been sitting in silent meditation since then, radiating love to all who were involved on both sides of this incident. I am certain that the ripples set in motion today will travel far and wide.
It is my hope that some day we will look back on this man as the one whose story brought our country to critical mass in the awareness that the death penalty is inhumane and unacceptable in a society that claims to be civilized.
We can do better than this for each other. And we must.
Thank you, Troy, for giving your life for this cause.
May you rest in peace.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
what's playing in my head today
Love is the Answer
the lyrics give me goosebumps. it was written by Todd Rundgren and Utopia.
Name your price
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore, to shore, to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there is no easy way around it
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely, lonely, lonely world
People turn their heads
And walk on by
Tell me is it worth just another try
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Tell me, are we alive
Or just a dying planet
(What are the chances)
Ask the man in your heart
For the answer
And when you feel afraid
(Love one another)
When you've lost your way
(Love one another)
And when you're all alone
(Love one another)
And when you're far from home
(Love one another)
And when you're down and out
(Love one another)
And when your hopes run out
(Love one another)
And when you need a friend
(Love one another)
And when you're near the end
(Love)
(We've got to love)
(We've got to love one another)
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer...
the lyrics give me goosebumps. it was written by Todd Rundgren and Utopia.
Name your price
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore, to shore, to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there is no easy way around it
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely, lonely, lonely world
People turn their heads
And walk on by
Tell me is it worth just another try
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Tell me, are we alive
Or just a dying planet
(What are the chances)
Ask the man in your heart
For the answer
And when you feel afraid
(Love one another)
When you've lost your way
(Love one another)
And when you're all alone
(Love one another)
And when you're far from home
(Love one another)
And when you're down and out
(Love one another)
And when your hopes run out
(Love one another)
And when you need a friend
(Love one another)
And when you're near the end
(Love)
(We've got to love)
(We've got to love one another)
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all
Set us free
Love is the answer...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
on the radio
just a quick post to let you know that my friend Chari (the one who was in the bike accident a year ago) was on The Stacey Stern Show today, along with some other callers including another friend of mine and me.
The show was SO powerful -- it was about Finding the Gems in Adversity. Stacey shares her own experience with breast cancer and invites callers to share the treasures they unearthed during the challenges in their lives.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/56063/riding-the-big-waves-of-life-finding-gems-in-adversity
The show was SO powerful -- it was about Finding the Gems in Adversity. Stacey shares her own experience with breast cancer and invites callers to share the treasures they unearthed during the challenges in their lives.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/56063/riding-the-big-waves-of-life-finding-gems-in-adversity
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